Attachment, Perfection and People Pleasing

£FREE

In this Optima Insights conversation, attachment-based psychotherapist and supervisor Uruj Anjum is joined by therapist Becca Upton (The No BS Therapist) to explore perfectionism and people-pleasing in therapy, and what may be happening beneath these often deeply established patterns.

Becca reflects on perfectionism as a response or coping strategy that may have developed through criticism and difficult experiences, but can also emerge through praise, achievement and being valued for particular ways of behaving. Together, Uruj and Becca consider how identity, relationships, comparison, cultural experiences and the wish to maintain connection may become intertwined with perfectionism and people-pleasing.

The conversation also explores high-functioning anxiety and how significant internal pressure or exhaustion can sometimes sit behind an outward appearance of coping well.

Turning towards the therapeutic relationship, they consider what happens when a client feels they need to be the “perfect client”, worries about disappointing their therapist or looks to the therapist for the right answer. Becca discusses the importance of autonomy, clear communication and allowing clients to experience an accepting therapeutic relationship over time rather than relying solely on reassurance.

Finally, the conversation brings the focus back to therapists themselves: our own potential perfectionism, the pressure to fix or rescue, and the expectation that every session should produce visible progress or leave a client feeling better.

A thoughtful discussion for counsellors, psychotherapists, supervisors and trainees interested in perfectionism, people-pleasing, high-functioning anxiety, attachment and the therapeutic relationship.

Want to look more closely at what sits beneath the behaviour?

Perfectionism, people-pleasing, the need to get therapy ‘right’, fear of disappointing others — these are the kinds of patterns that can make much more sense when we begin to view them through an attachment lens.

Our CPCAB Level 5 Diploma in Attachment-Based Psychotherapy is about taking attachment theory off the page and into the therapy room. You’ll learn to recognise attachment strategies as they emerge in your clients, in the therapeutic relationship and, importantly, in yourself as the therapist.

Because sometimes the behaviour we’re trying to change is also the behaviour that once helped someone stay connected.

Explore the Level 5 Diploma →

and the Level 5 Momentum Diploma